Nepal maybe?

As many of you are aware, I will sometime have the pleasure and delight of accompanying my daughter and her family to Nepal. I will be helping them settle in, I will be comforting myself with the knowledge of where they are, what their home will look like and so many more aspects of experiencing with them the new world they will find themselves.

Then I will go home and be able to remember.

My ticket was booked for early June.

The pandemic, the global pandemic arrived in March. Long before the ticket was to be shown at the airport or the seat claimed, even before the bags were packed the refund for the ticket showed up in our bank account. I would not be going to Nepal in June.

With so many of you,my world,my daughters world,each one of my daughter's worlds changed. The goodbye celebrations,the family celebrations,the trip to Europe were all cancelled.

None of us have been in a plane, none of us have been able to hug our beloved family members who live in Indiana. We have not travelled to Edmonton this summer. The children have not been to school. We wear masks. Last week two daughters and their families came to our home in Collingwood. Oh what fun we had, oh how we missed those who could not join us because of a closed border.

The planning has begun again for my trip to Nepal, maybe the Nepal border will open on August 17. Maybe I will fly with the family who is going to work and live and learn in Nepal for the next 5 years. They have left their home, they are living in a borrowed apartment. They have tried momos, the children love them and are eager to try the food, and learn the language. The three year old calls watermelon tarabuja.

I have an airline ticket. Perhaps I will get another refund. Perhaps I will fly soon, stay tuned.

Today is August 19. Today was the day for the flight. Today we are not flying to Nepal. Nepal's borders are closed. I hope and pray the young family I am going to/was going to/ might accompany can go soon. I hope they can get settled in their home soon. In the meantime they have begun a blog it is entitled Home in Motion (knafziger.wixsite.com/website) My son in law and daughter are both great writers. Check it out if you are interested.

Soon, perhaps I will begin a new blog. It is set up. It is on Wordpress
 It is called https://gloriafernmuses.wordpress.com/.   The blog is travelling gg (as many of you know one of my primary identities in these days is that of grandma gloria (gg)

and yes if you are noticing it is no longer August 19. 

I am not good at setting up new blogsites, or adapting to old platforms that get changed,  I am fortunate to have daughters and partners and friends who help me.   Thanks to them all and because of them I am certain that my new blog will be up before I fly to Nepal,

And so for now goodbye to Blogger and blogspot. My journey continues the improbable has become probable and the musings continue.

Unjournied

A ticket no longer means a trip
a plan no longer means an event
 A calendar no longer details a date
 a restaurant no longer feels inviting
 A movie theatre no longer offers a blockbuster
 a gallery no longer calls me in
A dining room no longer set for guests
 the odometer no longer speaks
the language of distance

I travel valleys, flower scented with possibilities beauty 
over hills and discover more hills,
some transformed into mountains of impossible passage
 swim across clear blue waters and swamps,
 cycle against headwinds into dreams

 gloria fern August 2020

A Month

Yesterday’s yesterday it was July,  a summer

month is Canada,   we  were swimming in the bay

my restorative home in these months of warmth,

the sidewalks filling with people coming to

enjoy the waters lapping on shorelines, the  breezes

blowing through trees, to escape the still city sounds,

cars filled with longing  seeking space by orange

pylons you are not welcome in this space,

or this place as the earth called forth welcome,

the holiday weekend had arrived, will it someday

be recognized as emancipation weekend,  and when it

is,  how will its meaning be understood?

today the rains have stopped falling, the birds are

singing as the thunder echos in the background,

the trees wave gently, the breeze refreshes

we have had a partial family visit, we have opened 

and yet our gathering is incomplete as our beloveds live

south of covid border line and perhaps soon 

some will be across the ocean while pool and lake waters

lap on shores familiar waving hearts  and I  wonder when

will this end?   and I wonder when will  what end?

beginning constant beginnings and endings and another month

has passed and I am packing my bag, maybe I will travel

certain uncertainty  a hallmark of  seasons, months passage.

Delight

Blankets, umbrellas,  six feet apart

dot the shore line, it is Canada day

red shirts with white maple

leaves cover little ones and big ones

testing the water, playing catch on the hillside

where blankets, picnic tables were covered

with families gathered and 

charcoal smells waft to me, escaping 

for a day from cities confinement

trips to the beach crowd my memory as

I swim, fighting the waves

in my now hometown,

the cows were milked, the car

packed and we all five kids

dressed in excitement piled

on top of each other hardly daring

to believe there would

be a parking space for us

those days there were no

restrictions on picnic table,

blanket spacing,  little if any

awareness of the stolen land

we were celebrating on or the waters 

we were swimming in, no awareness either 

of the town peoples who wished

we would not come and eat in their

parks or play on beaches

children playing, adults laughing 

feeding children and themselves, drinking

from coolers and thermos,   pulling out more

and more food, packed, planned carefully

days earlier in the hopes that this outing

this day would offer comfort and joy in

the midst of so much uncertainty

distracting for a few hours from the

job loss, the illness, the work still waiting

the more things change

someone once said

the more they stay the same.

It is Friday

It is Friday, what’s new in Collingwood today,

the email news feed is as consistent as I  

scanning    for good news,  any

photos of double rainbows in rain filled skies, of

sun rising or setting over the bay, numbers of

cases falling, deaths lessening

yet there are deaths, there is loss, someone

is grieving and I am swimming in the bay,

celebrating first little arms wrapped around

my neck in months,  and my body has taken on new

hope, even when I speak to the daughter so far

away in the United States,  I know we will be

together again before forever passes, and in the

meantime I will zoom, I will delight in face painting

across miles and I will hold tight confident

in the wellness of friends, of  family,  and the

wonder of time and space, found for gardening

and swimming and reading and hiking and being

wondering how I will hold it all as we open

to old possibilities made new,  to the options , the

wonder of a cleaner, friendlier world,

open in new ways to difference, to rejection of

ism’s that support some at the cost of others, knowing

I am a benefactor and giving up privilege is

a challenge felt even in these days of knowing

that my family is safe and well, and others are sick 

dying some because they do not have

a home with a yard, with a bay to swim in or a

trail to walk  or bike on, or the privilege that comes

with retirement and safety from

a front line job that puts me at risk

one of my children is doing front line work,

so far she has not tested positive for the virus

of Covid,  her family is not free from the

deadly virus of racism         the

unfairness        requires action 

sometimes,I am up to the task and other times

inadequacy surrounds me and despair wins out

over the belief in the possibility of  ever

experiencing the change that this world

requires      but today I know that the virus will

not last forever, there is a           brave new generation

rising up and filling this grandmother

with faith and confidence                they stand

knowing they make a difference.

 gloria fern June 2020

String

mosquitos swarm over the rock crevices and pine

and maple woods,  we walk, I swat away

tears of despair  as I run through possibilities

again,    how do I live this life of privileged

anguish,   I stumble on the roots catching

myself in the midst of a fall, in the midst of another

bite into maybe,  what is this life of no touch,

of no hugs outside the household,  I swing my

walking sticks in the air, dissipating  the

latest attack,  watching my footing as I  move

forward to read another story online to a child afraid

to play  with his cousin,  he has learned distance

protects,  he  likes that we are

connected by an invisible string and that I

notice he is growing into a big kid,  my teeth,

bring laughter to his eyes across the screen,  I

repress another flood of tears,  I know I cannot

go to him, not now,  giggling  together about my baby nose

stretching the invisible sting of connection

from my heart to his

and back again.

gloria fern june 2020

Together

with gratitude to Jeanne Thompson and her CD 

Peace be with you and the Peace Train

We drove over hill and vale

met in a park, sat on a hill, 

peed behind a bush, no toilet in sight, 

but we saw a daughter  had tea 

and a bite

it arrived in the mail 

a pink bubble wrap envelope, 

Peace be with You  the title of 

recording,  I listen  I hear 

love is at the heart of it

barely awake a lego train 

arrived, money saved,  

ordered on line, moms assistance

allowed bakery's inclusion, 

video shared delight, 

the market trail led us 

around town,  bicycle wheels crushing 

gravel,  skidding through sand,  

bouncing on pavement,  

we travel

 

The phone rings, I hear his message again,

there are those who are

ready to head out the western 

door, death is not bad

notice it all

angels on shoulders

change all around, I head to a march, 

I made my own signs,  justice equals 

peace,  abolish racism the other side,

the song rings in my ears, 

thanks for lyrics that 

summarize so well

a'int no time for couch potatoes 

or regretting the past ... 

time to move forward together at last.

gloria fern June 2020

June 8 2020

Black Lives Matter they chant in front of city hall,
as they march down the sidewalk, the street,
we listen to stories of violence, abuse
hope lives as we chant, as we march,
as I read signs that say, I am not a danger,
and Be the Change and Black Lives Matter

I grieve as I see signs that invite us to say
their names, that list the names, a few of the names,
some of the names, as I over hear a frustrated young
woman explain why Black Lives Matter is
important at this time and why All lives matter
cannot be used,  she used a wedding analogy

My grandson made a sign to take to a rally
in another town,  it said racism is bad,
he does not yet understand systems that
maintain racism, re enforce racism, support
racism,  he looks at me with pride and love
not knowing about his blond haired blue eyed privilege

I see a mother with a sign that says when one mother
 is called, all mothers are called,  and my mother
heart is reminded again that all those names, that
incomplete list of names had a mother, has a mother
who is grieving, who lives with fear in the midst
of grieve because of the colour of her skin

I am a mother,  I am a grandmother
I worry for the grandchildren,
for the children
I know, I love, who do not have
white skin

There was a peaceful  protest today
organized by youth
I am filled with hope and
I am filled despair.

gloria fern June 2020

Expectation

The waiting is over,
must be over,  
no more acceptance
of helplessness

no more waiting for the pandemic
to be over

no more waiting
on this pandemic of racism
on this pandemic of celebrating obscene wealth
on this pandemic of raping our earth
on this pandemic of violence

no more waiting on these pandemics
that are killing the most vulnerable

these pandemics that have stolen so many lives

the waiting is over.

gloria fern June 3, 2020

Dysania

another 

black human 

dead

change

required 

to burnish

hope

another 

black human 

dead

change

required 

to burnish

hope

another            

                  change?

gloria fern May 2020

 

Safety ?

bees cover the current bush

orange, yellow, blue
red, prayer flags
shredded

birds dance

dog poop
everywhere, I think
stubbed toes, sour dough that did
not rise today,  soup too salty,
or sweet
or not

mud covered they do not
run towards me but laugh
threateningly
six feet away from a
hug

there will be no
mud on me

I am
safe

and now there
is rain
my heart feels it

all

feels it all.

gloria fern May 2020

Teeter Totter

hearts in windows, flowers on tables
still blooming to those who mother,
and grandmother with gratitude and love,
wind on the backs, of the littles who know
how to maintain distance connection
without contradiction

my sister in law graduated yesterday,
photos sent in time and space,
a grandson's graduation ceremony
will be on Wednesday, we will be able
to attend without eight hours of travel,
oh bitter joy

 "hope is the expectation of future joy"
the sign in the window on this day
of May showers drizzling down on me,
on our dog, on the freshly planted
seedlings smiling from their
squirrel turned soil.

gloria fern May 18 2020

No Zoom Today

Giddy excitement filled me

as I prepared for

six or seven or eight feet apart 

art shared with elaborate story

six or seven or eight feet apart

smell the bottoms of the fritalaria

six or seven or eight feet apart

children  kneel in the ground

six  or seven or eight feet apart

smelling skunks in plants,

six or seven or eight feet apart

examine seeds, and create mud puddles,

six or seven or eight feet apart

games (newly acquired)  shown and explained, 

six or seven or eight feet apart

watch the agility of climbers

six or seven or eight feet apart

the swing, the slide to slide to slide race

six or seven or eight feet apart

climbing hills, laughing,

six or seven or eight feet apart

your and

          your and

               your presence.

 felt            held.

gloria fern May 15, 2020