Being

This being, just being with myself, with my writing, with the fears, with the challenges, with my grief, with my hopes is some of the hardest work I have ever done.  I am grieving the death of a dear friend, someone who has been a cheerleader for this "new" life I am living. JUST being means I have no distraction from the size of this loss, JUST BEING means I am invited not to mask, but to feel, my grief, ,my loneliness, my anger, my feelings. 

JUST BEING means unbidden tears are close companions and self compassion is required at all times. 

It means recognizing that I am not always self compassionate, I am not always mindful, I am not really that good at self care.  It means noticing that I have work to do, that self awareness, that growth ( and 

being fully alive)  do not end with decisions and life change, rather growth means personal work,  personal awareness, personal development, personal challenge, and personal practise! 

It means embracing and practising new ways of being in the world, and when I am not doing as well as I had hoped to breathe deeply, and with loving kindness for myself and others keep on moving forward.

Being with my life, is what being with my writing is all about. As I live, I write the story of my life,  in my daily interactions ( with myself and others) and sometimes I write it on paper too. 

This being, this call to conscious awareness is hard work, is sacred work, is work, I believe, we are all invited to engage in, as I am in being with my writing, my grief, my grandchildren, my loves, my fears, or in any other place we find ourselves.

My opportunity, my call to be with my writing is a sacred gift I have been given, is filled with joy, challenge and, oh, so much opportunity.  Join me in claiming your sacred opportunity to be, let it fill you with life, may it help you name your fears and open vistas of opportunity. 

Blessings to each one who reads these words! 

gkn may 26,2015

Presence

There I was just sitting with my 

hand warming, tea cup steaming, 

when  she sat down, tea cup in hand, 

scent of jasmine filling our air, at my table. 

I wondered but I did not ask, I was too amazed 

that she was sitting at my table, well

the table I alone occupied, if Jasmine green was her favourite too,

 and if it had always been, 

or if she too had a brain injury, life changing, taste changing moment. 

I did not ask, I sat filled with wonder at her prescence here with me,

as though she wanted to share, this quiet time, of tea drinking.

We sat, I sat with her present, there with me, drinking tea, listening to,

watching; eating, singing, flying bird friends.

We sat in silence for a very short, long time. 

Then I said, "hi", she smiled back at me as I said, 

"thanks for joining me." 

"And even more," came her reply, 

"thank you for noticing." 

gkn may 2015

The Time Keeper

Her breathe stopped on Saturday morning

"I'm free, I'm free at last" awoke me from my sleep on Thursday night.

Bodies, soul spirit visitations from beyond do not care for times meaning. 

TheTime Keeper she loved it, on this side, 

bought me a copy, you need to read it too, I heard.

A hummingbird flies, too close for comfort, maybe.

I hear her buzz enjoying the sweet nectar, 

only natural sweetness, still no refined sugar.

Laughter echoes 

her goodbye text arrived after the celebration of life,

friends connected by her love reflect together.

I will read it again, the need to try and understand 

a this side bound.

Birdsong, sweet nectar, tulip, bulb and flower, good fiction, sometimes bad 

and music too, she planned a course based on a song for every lecture, 

...never got to teach that one. 

and yet she's teaching still, and calling.

Her breathe is gone, her body ashes now. 

Our time together reformed. 

I grieve for me in gratitude, 

so gifted by this side and now by that side too, 

I miss you though you're here, 

it's so unclear these feelings, and this loss, and yes the gain. 

Her breathe left on Saturday.  The freedom song on Thursday. 

You visit with me now. 

Time keeper no more. 

gkn may 14, 2015

Scatter Rug Slow Down for Ayrlie

My orange slices,  my tea, my thoughts,

scattered in all directions 

with the speed of light

the best laid plans 

four days of being home alone

to write, of course, and

put away

skiis, 

winter clothes, 

laundry, 

books, 

shovels, 

to meditate, of course, and 

unpack, 

garden tools, 

spring clothes, 

boxes

memories, 

Four days of being home alone, 

to mediate, swollen foot iced

to write, twisted foot loved

from  the couch, from the bed

I see yard unraked, boxes, still packed

daffodil  blooms, snow disappear.

Scatter rug slowdowns.

gkn April 30 2015

, 

Waking up

Dedicated to those who work for peace.

In honour of the women who walked to The Hague in 1915.

The ancestors, the descendants are calling, 

reminding me, reminding us,

to know peace, to believe in peace, to live peace 

is to bring peace. 

Wake up, to peace in daily living. 

Remember the ones who have walked, have dared

to believe peace is possible.

Notice the ones who know peace.

Notice goodness, notice compassion, notice fear, 

send forth love, 

to all.

Listen to the call of the soul, 

listen to the ancestors, the descendants.

Be peace

gkn april 2015

For Harriet

Twinkling starlight shines through

your face, your words

"I am looking forward to it." 

The other side is calling you, 

companioning you, my sacred honour.

Celebrations of vulnerabilities gifts, 

tears and laughter, 

remember the day we met?

Unforgettable treasures.

A veil so thin, we claim knowledge 

of continuing connection, 

practised while same side gathered

your tapping calls me, even now.

gkn April 24 2015

Gray Clouds

"Blue sky, sunshine, no gray clouds"

he says, with 2 year old certainty.

My stomach is knotted.

Yellow helmet covered with bugs, 

protection, singing as he works,

wind kisses join the sun.

We head in for warmer coats, and hats and mitts.

Purple, white crocus, daffodil buds, 

spring lit mornings, 

focus

mournings morning,

this blue sky, no gray clouds day.

gkn April 2015