October

Soon it will be Thanksgiving.  

 My brothers and their wives, my father, many of my nieces and nephews and my great nieces and nephews will come to Collingwood.  

We will gather in the backyard, we hope the weather allows us to eat in the backyard, often it does.  

 

My mother will not be here. 

 

My mother never saw my home in Collingwood.  

 

My mother died too many years ago. 

 

I miss her and I remember that rushed ride to the hospital, my brother said “ you better hurry or you will not see her alive.”   At least that is what I think he said.

 

I was confused.  I was upset.  I was shocked.  I was disbelieving in my believing.  

 

Two days earlier she had said I might not be here next year,two days before that she said,  something is wrong.   I told her to be positive to trust the doctor who said everything was alright.  I told her not to worry so much, not to be so negative. 

 

I did not call her on Monday, I thought of her on Monday.  I had seen her on Sunday.  I had talked to her on Friday, on Saturday.   

 

I did not think she would die on Tuesday.  I did not think I would hold her hand and say, it is ok, you were a good mother, you did a good job,  I did not think I would say it and mean it, so that she could take her last breath in peace.  

 

She was a good mother. 

I know she heard me.  

She believed me.  

 

She has told me so many times, since that day in October.  

 

She has told me to live my life, just to live it, 

she has told me not to be afraid of what other people say. 

 

She says that she is sorry that she was so afraid when she walked with me, sometimes holding my hand. 

 

She smiles at me, is happy for my happiness, for my ability to be (sometimes I do not worry what other people think or say about me.)  

 

She says it will all turn out and she seems to know it will. 

I miss her hand in mine, her voice on the phone, her smile, her tears, her frown…

 

It is October, soon it will be All Saints day.  

 

We will have an ancestor’s meal (celebrating and remembering her and others) as we have a baby dedication for August Hann her newest great grandson. 

 

We will celebrate his life on the anniversary of her death.  

We will celebrate Auggie’s spiritual earth journey. 

 

He will feel her presence with him, cheering him on, reminding him to be   August. 

 

I miss her! 

 

 

 gkn October 2016