My Creche 2017

                                                     

           

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+Wo

nder +

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PEACE

AWESOME                 MIRACLE

t  e c                                                                  r  u  t

o         t                                                                e         r

pr                                                                                          un

 life

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NOTICE and CELEBRATE CELEBRATE CELEBRATE

gkn Christmas 2017

                       

        

For Susan L

Solstice 2017

For Susan L with gratitude

It is solstice, the longest night of the year.  I have been contemplating in these days of lighting candles,  of ritual reflection while waiting for the sun/ son .  I have been contemplating the places of darkness within me.  the places of sorrow reflected,  the places of anxious waiting.

Today I was reading another  writer, I was reading a memoir.   In which the author  said I read a book, that made me think I should never write another word.  She said the writer that she was reading was so eloquent,  and I thought.,  but so are you. 

Please do not stop.  Please I thought do not stop.

  I so often want to stop.

 I so often stop, because someone can do it better,

                                              actually someone does it better. 

I want to stop,  I am tired

I want to stop, it is dark, so very dark. 

If the writer had stopped.  I would not have benefited from her words.

If the dancer stops,                        I do not receive the openness, the flow.

If the cashier stops,         I am not encouraged by the smile

If the poet stops,                     I am  not caught by metaphor, or beauty.            

If you,                          stop,     your gifts which are many are lost to me. 

In celebration of   the journey   into  the darkness and  the light as life and time cycle.

gkn Dec. 21, 2017

No Title

The morning sun rises slowly as the full moon fades from view.  
The rising and the falling are a part of me,
I long to rise and set and yet  

                                                              and yet

Sleepiness pushes at the eyelids of my mind.
The rising and the falling are a part of me,
I long to be awake  and
                                                                                when I am

                                                                      then I am

Flames flicker, orange, yellow, blue, red heat.
The rising and the falling are a part of me,
I long to feel the heat of all passion             and yet                  then  I feel

                                                              when I feel

Green boughs festive sparkling,  light in darkness.
The rising and the falling are a part of me,

                                                                                                                                  I long.


gkn December 2017

                                                 

November...continuing reflections

No NanoWrimo this year....

We, Liw and I,  babysat five grandchildren ranging in age from seven to almost nine months.
I slept five hours, and read stories and watched paw patrol and chuggington and played with trucks and went for walks with a stroller and a baby attached.

I smiled a lot.

On the way home from our babysitting weekend, we went to a family gathering with aunts and uncles and cousins.  I visited with my ninety two year old aunt, her husband died less than a month ago,  I heard her as she tried to plan for this next uncertain future.  I visited with her sisters, their children, my cousins, and  my siblings.   We played games.

I laughed a lot.

I arrived home.
I slept for twelve hours straight.
Really!  

We, Liw, Susan and I, went to Lora's ordination.
We sang, we listened, we visited, we shared soul,
 heart stories, food.

 I cried, a lot.

We went to a grandson's concert, heard bells ringing,
went to the movies with the fourteen and the eleven year old,  ate popcorn, frozen yogurt,
talked about school, about video games, about music, about friends...


Liw's parents visit has just begun.


In the summer after my sixty fifth birthday,
I will have a tea party in the back yard.
It will be a celebration.
 
 I will share my completed incomplete memoir then

2020 is coming fast.



gkn Dec. 1/2017

My daughter's Ordination

blowing leafless trees

frozen lashing 

waves

leaking eyes

trampled grass 

jagged beach glass

hidden

racing heart 

honking geese 

grey blue clouds

muted

moving fingers

dancing flames 

blue orange red 

reflection

soul wonder 

gkn November 2017

Days in this Sacred Life

On Sunday I visit friends I have not seen for years.

On Monday I attend the funeral of a dear friend's mother.
On Tuesday a friend cancels our tea date because she had her license taken away because of stroke like symptoms.
On Wednesday I share an afternoon with my cousin,  my childhood neighbour and playmate and
 I hear that another friend went to emerg because of dizzy spells,  she needs more tests before they will know the cause.

I spend time with grandchildren.
One of them has a runny nose and cold and another ended up in bed early because of a fever.

I drive home in the blowing snow,  I need to keep the lights on low in order to see, as I pray that the temperature does not change enough to cause the melting snow to turn to freezing rain.
Freezing rain is the worst according to me.

As I drive I listen to As it Happens,
 I listen to Holly Near and Chris Williamson sing.
 I drive in silence.

Today is Thursday.

I sit by the fire at a desk and I write
and

I give thanks for friends whose lives, whose challenges cause me sorrow,
and grief.

I give thanks for a life in which children tell me that they like me so so so so much,
and whose faces broaden with smiles when they see me in person
or on the screen,
and who squeal with delight,
interrupting my conversation with mama.

Mama who has a birthday.  My baby with a big boy of her own now.
 My baby who fills me with pride.
Still.

The wind is blowing outside.  It is damp and cool.
I sit at my desk with the fire burning beside me,
warming my toes.

gkn Nov. 2017

life

              b

         m

       i

    l

c 

                   

s       i    g

    w    n

refuse to

give up

                      speak                                  

                                    forward

stand back

             be afraid

             with nothing 

listen

        empty

repeat

gkn Nov. 2017

Heritage

It is ten years ago today, that my mother died.
Yesterday was the Schlegel family gathering.

Family was so important to my mother.

Ten Years Ago at the family gathering my mother
said, " I don't know if I will be here next year."

Two days later she was dead.

She left me with a rich heritage,
a heritage that I saw in many of the relatives
who were gathered yesterday.  

She taught me if I didn't have something nice to say to not say anything
neither of us were able to hold to that at all times.

She taught me humility,  and the recognition that all people are of worth in the
world, a world that was changing rapidly and filled with changes she did not
always understand or support.

I learned from her that mother's cannot always protect their children,  and that it is important to
acknowledge that.

I remember the first time she met the first grandson I came to love,  she said
" Oh, his skin is so black."  I did not understand why this was the first thing she said about this beautiful boy,  until she told me the story of seeing her first black person in Detroit,
on a trip with her brother Roy.  She said she was sixteen.

  I learned something about her and the rapidly changing world she lived in,
 Oh, how she loved Isaac and his mother and their family.

She taught me to love my neighbour as myself,  and she was very good at loving her neighbour.

By the time of her death her family ( of love)  included people who had come
to Canada as refugees from Russia and Germany (people of her heritage) and people from Vietnam, Central America,  and Kenya.  Those are the ones I knew of.  

and oh how my mother knew worry...we did not talk about that yesterday either.

She worried and she prayed...

she is with me these days as racism seems to be growing and I wonder about the safety of children, especially in Canada and the US who do not share my skin colour.

she is with me as I/we welcome people from Syria.

she is with me as my grandchildren grow in size and number

she will be with us as Lora is ordained, and oh how she will celebrate

she is with me in my labyrinth garden, my rose bed,  my vegetable garden

she is with me as I travel, as I learn, as I give,  as I take, as I laugh, as I grieve...

she is with me as I live with all the attributes of being a descendent of
Barbara ( Sommers) and Aaron Schlegel.

gkn Oct. 30/2017

Wrinkles Meaning

We were in the change room at the pool when we met,  we had not seen one another for some time.   "How are you?" she asked.

 " I feel like,"  I said, " I am living a dream."  " I have known struggle"...  "and it is not now."

 I spend some time each week with my children and grandchildren.  I am grateful that one of them lives close enough for me to make weekly treks.  I am grateful that others live close enough for travel and welcome my visits.  My grandchildren and my children inspire me with their wisdom and openness to growth and becoming.

Two weeks ago a precious grandchild asked, "why?"  " why gg do you have those?"
He clarified my confusion by telling me he was asking about lines on my face.
Why indeed do I have lines on my face.
I assured him it was because I have lived a long time.
This was for him a satisfactory answer.

How blessed I am to have lived a long time.
It is over twenty years since I sprinkled the ashes of my beloved Bonnie.
 Last weekend I got together with dear friends whom I am fortunate enough to still see on occasion ( we counted 49 grandchildren among us).
We all of us gathered, all nine of us, have had the privilege of living longer than Bonnie ( and Gord Downie).

I have lived long enough to have lines on face, to have a daughter who will, in less than a year turn fourty,  a daughter with whom I am beginning to dream, about possible mother daughter celebrations.
I continue to live with two of the most supportive people on the planet,  and most of the time I appreciate their support and all of the time, I am grateful for their love and acceptance.

I no longer struggle with the churches acceptance of me, and yet I am pained by the behaviour of an institution, a community that gave me so much and continues to cause so much pain for so many, including my children.

I continue to be blessed by sacred presence in my life.

I am able to see the divine not only the many weird and wonderful people I share the planet with,  but also  on a daily basis in my backyard labyrinth, shade and vegetable gardens, growing trees,  Georgian Bay and the glorious Bruce trail.  

I live in a time where,  I can connect with friends  around the planet.   I can share dinner and stories with my 96 year old aunt, stories about hearing the first airplane with fear, and about her Thanksgiving dinner that included kith and kin with backgrounds unimagined by my grandmother.
 I get to visit places that my aunt revels in hearing about and never dreams of seeing.

".... and you" I asked my locker room companion," how are you?"

" just entering one of those struggle times,"  she shared honestly.

 I  sit at a computer and write words, string together sentences, call them what I will and share them with you.  Sometimes I even hear back from some of you,  always I hope that my words inspire, challenge and invite you to be a little more of the wonderful being you are.

These words are for her and for you,
May peace be yours.

gkn October 2017

dimension

movements

aching, hopeful memory

challenged 

See?

grey, dark, light

noticed?

stretching, shrinking

belief, story informing

movement

bright memories 

distorted transported

from loves secure 

knowlege

gkn Oct.2017

Talking Stones

.

stories celebration 

villages, families 

pain echoing 

displacement.

I am alive in this place

 old newness, 

 familiarity

these observant feet  

walking,

 all space 

all time

exist 

around

wiithin.

gkn Sept. 2017

Reflections

I am at Whitby by the Sea, that iconic English town that I am so familiar with, from art and story.  I walk through the crowds of families, multi generational, of women ( few flowing dresses or colourful umbrellas on this September day), of men chatting while waiting for shoppers.  I see many mothers and daughters, I wish to share this adventure with mine. 

Our travelling companion/tour guide, Heather meets her sister, after treating us to a fabulous lunch.  I have kippers, they are caught and then smoked in the hill under the Abbey stairs.  Today is a day for trying new things,

smoked fish is a favourite of mine, and kippers were indeed enjoyed!  

The desserts ah, the desserts, new Bristish delights, so many cakes, so little time. One hundred and ninety nine stairs to the Abbey justify, perhaps, trying three.  Custard and plum crisp win the favourite on this tasting opportunity. 

Liw, Susan and I head off to the Abbey.   The stairs are old, many feet have gone this way. The Abbey, which overlooks those famous Whitby beach scenes, dates back to a monastery in the seventh century.

I wander alone and in the company of others, beloved ones and strangers, reflecting.  I want to remember it all, the history, the beauty, the energy.  I snap photo after photo, seeking light, reflected, reflecting.

The time comes to return from the Abbey, to meet Heather again.  We walk down.  The beach is gone , the ocean has returned to the shore.  There are rose gardens at this landing, I go to explore and I see more gardens, beauty. 

To my left another garden calls, it has a sign. 

I go.

I read, 

Dementia Awareness Garden. 

gkn September 2017

 

Pity

Brymor ice cream from the farm shop.

Thirty flavour choices

    clotted cream, only in England

.....

pity

Today's Yorkshire delight.

gkn Sept. 2017

Saturday

The farmer's market,

in this town, home for nine filled years, 

of birth and death,  

was acquaintance, even friend

filled ,  this summer day

without children.

A quiet tension fills

a life

I notice is my own

to

claim, 

gardening,

writing, cooking,

swimming,  camping, 

biking, hiking 

l alone

or

shared by 

large or 

small

 owls hoot, woodpeckers tap, 

angel calls, coyotes howl, dragonflies, 

mosquito bites

my life .

gkn Aug.2017

Blessed Two

 Teeth brushed,  stories read       four tonight,

he chose them all, 

songs sung,

hugs given

good night said.

Cherub face response

“good night gg.’

“I need water, gg”

            I forgot to fill his water bottle.

 I fill the water bottle,

Cherub face,

“thank you gg.”

“gg,  Gg”

“my water bottle doesn’t work”

             I retrieve the faulty water bottle,

suck it does not work,

“see gg, you did it wrong,”

I unscrew the top,  afix the straw,

it works now,

 I say gently,

“good night sweetheart,”

cherub face, 

“close the door gg”

I close the door carefully. 

“gg,”

 I hear GG

I wait,

“ GG, GG, GGGG,”

 “my water bottle is leaking”

slow steps carry me to the door,

“gg my water bottle is leaking.” 

His pillow is wet, his pajamas are wet,

“maybe you can put it on right this time.”

I change his pajamas,  I change the pillow,

I put the lid on right.

“Good night darling,” comes out of my mouth,

 I look

at grinning cherub face.

“I love you  gg.”

I do not bang the door or shout.

gkn July 2017

This Morning

Pink roses, long mauve stems of hostas' in
bloom wave a gentle good morning
as the lavender's brightness

 shouts.

 chickadees, robins, jays,  cardinals,
and the many sparrows,

we called them all sparrows,
 in my childhood, or starlings,
I don't see or hear many of them anymore,

call to me,

echoes of children,
riding bicycle,  squabbling,
toddlers giggling,
 as they
remind
me to play.



gkn July 2017

Summer Day

The bird song surrounds me ,
 as I silently walk with lilies, daisies,
valerian, a single delphinium made it
back this year, 

 a thorn catches my attention.

I jump on my bicycle, ride to the point,
to the rocky shore touch my toes into
the crisp pure waters' savouring every
step, when I hear their buzz.

The strawberries in the front raised bed,
gift of landscape artists, hang over the edge,
red and juicy, as I bend,  my left shoulder
begins to itch and swell.

I am present, I am awake as I water
vegetables, as I spray soap on aphid infested
roses,  as I walk, as I drink my tea
in the beauty of my neighbourhood.

The mosquitos remind me to always be
here,

NOW.

gkn July 7, 2017

The Village

Today I write to give thanks to the village, you know the one, that it takes to raise a child.

Last night I had the privilege of caring for two of my precious grandchildren while mommy and daddy went on a date.   The two and half year old was interested in the concept of dates, so I decided to take him and his almost four month old sister on a date too,  I thought it would help the evening pass, and he might not miss his mom and dad so much.

It worked for both of them,  she was distracted by the noise and the chatter and the laughter that she did not even notice, most of the time, that she was drinking milk out of a bottle.  

He ran and made friends.  His best friend of the evening was a seven,  I am guessing,  year old girl.  She had him climbing all the way to the top and sliding down the closed in slide by the end of our time.   She also with her father's encouragement, got him out of the play structure when it was time to go home.   So my thanks starts with her,  encouraging, playing and running with him to check in with me as he needed.    And of course a special thank you to her father,  we might still be there now if he had not come to my rescue.

Then there was the family with the two girls, the pre teen and the toddler, who loved shoes.   They  watched my toddler eat his burger and his sister sit in her car seat, while I went to get ketchup for his french fries.  

Finally there was the grandma, whose first grand child is in a neonatal unit growing and getting stronger after arriving three months early.  She and her grand daughter are on my prayer list now.
She came and volunteered to rock the car seat when it was time for me and the four month old to go home and the two and half year old needed a little extra encouragement.

Then there were the door holders, the offers to help me carry and ..

Thank you to this named village, all of whom are a part of this diverse and wonderful country I call home.  Our skin colours and accents were different,  I suspect our  educational  and economic experiences were different  and we bonded in our love for children.

This village helped me have a wonderful date with two wonderful little people, and enriched my life by the generosity of spirit I experienced on that date!

I am blessed!

gkn June 2017

Earth Walk

My mother and Jesus accompanied
me to witch camp this year,
I was surprised,
to hear them chatting,
about the love they felt
as we laughed and sang,
and danced.

And oh how they laughed,
and all the others, too,
who accompanied me,
when the skunk sprayed and we kept
on keeping on,  dancing on the heads
of the skunks and they kept spraying

and the laughter of the crowd,
and I do mean crowd of witnesses
was amazing,

they could not believe that we did not
know that the skunks were
teaching us,  they could not
believe that this group of witches, or
pagans, or elemental people,

forgot to listen to the elemental
messages in the storm that
surrounded us,  they laughed
and they chatted,

they need to stay on this plane
for a while yet,
I heard them    say it!  

gkn June 2017

June Twelve

Spring waters cover the gardens,
grass grows fastest,
 unwanted
seed pods wave

wade into the growth
find treasures,
hidden,
lost seedlings

Differentiation,
desires confusion,
birth, death
solstice draws nigh.

gkn June 2017

Harriet still

EThe labyrinth is blooming tulips,
 you hear  delight
and anguish at the
grass so long, between the irises from
you.  Your laugh reminds me you
told me so,  don't do it, too much
weeding were your words,
plants from you fill vacant spaces
in the soil,
the red and yellow tulips,
from before your deck
was built, the hawthorn tree,
clematis climbs, along with
 roses and  and
though chickadees
surround me at the feeder,
sing songs,  and hummingbirds
dip deep 

will the wisteria ever bloom?

gkn June 1, 2017

This day

wooden table tops,  straight legs, wood 

stained light, dark, like the skin colours

seated beside, ahead, behind.  

conversations, laughter, tears, 

steaming cups comfort souls, 

at this place today,  joined. 

a coffee, tea shop haven for

 pen and paper, computer, 

companioned    I am. 

time invites, demands 

breathe,  alone  

present.

gkn May 2017

Awake

birds song, dog song, train whistles
no longer asleep,  listening
sounds of morning indoors
outside, cars race on streets near by
doors open to stir sleeping teens,
while infants and grade ones
wake themselves,  the fourteen year
old going on a field trip to Chicago
has no problem stirring this morning
the excitment of  THIS day
grins at gg, while crunching cereal,
a smile broadens across my face,
 these days of baby grins,
and dances, sibling fights,
concerts played and sung by nervous
competent youth, aging with life,
today the calendar garden picnic
calls, its blooms perfect in season,
"wild" has been read, the "whole brain
child" recommended reading while
a baby sleeps in arms,
my oh so full heart 

hear the baby cry

 leave this text ...

Another day there will be no baby teen,
...

gkn May 2017

Two Short Lives

for sharon for brenda for judy
for mother's shattered hearts...

Heidi,  Rachel can you hear me?
do you hear my gratitude for the gifts
you gave me in your two short lives?

Generosity of spirit in your visits,
in your laughter at yourself and me.

Hope born in the midst of despair
as you  kick boxed or just kicked away boxes
 the expectations of next
must be steps,
 as you took next must steps for you.

Smiles radiant, trusting, knowing  believing
when everything around defied faith.

Acceptance, without celebration,
 with knowledge of truth beyond our control,
just acceptance
of this days offering.

Love filled hearts, though pain crowded
the spaces,  love won the day.

Four years, only, four years
you have been gone from planet earth.
Already four years and still you live.

gkn May 2017

My Labyrinth Memoir

I step in,
a blade of
grass amidst
the daffodils
removed.

Two steps
forward
an empty space
transplanting
begins.

A step back
is required,
a weed?
discernment
necessitated

I step
forward
I look
backward
....


gkn May 1 2017

On Friendship

Silence, has gained comfort  

the years of tears and laughter shared

a gift or time and vulnerability

demanded by grief too big to bear 

alone.

I give thanks now,

 not for your broken 

heart, nor even for my own

But rather for our hearts that

dared, not stand alone, 

these hearts that beat though

broken, bent and bruised, 

these hearts that beat

together still. 

gkn April 24, 2017