On Being ( A mother of a baby who turns 34)

Today I feel gratitude.

 I feel gratitude that I get to celebrate my daughter’s 34^th birthday.    Today I am thinking a lot about two mother friends, who do not get to celebrate  with their wonderful daughter’s, when they turn 34^.  

 Today I feel sorrow. 

I feel, perhaps, some of the sorrow of mothers around the world, mothers whom I do not know and those whom I do, who do not get to celebrate  with their daughers because of war, brain tumors,  gun violence, systemic racism,  medical error.

Today I feel surprised. 

I feel surprised at the passage of time which changes everything or nothing.  I feel surprised that I can remember so clearly the arrival of that beautiful baby as I hold her beautiful baby in my arms.

Today I feel  anger. 

I feel anger at a system which does not value all babys born to all mothers.   I feel anger that it is so difficult to change systems.  I feel angry that I do not even know how to begin to write about this!

Today I feel hopeful.

I feel hopeful as I listen to young women speak,  as I see my daughters’ parent, as I listen to the children.   I feel hopeful as I walk down the street and see iris’s pushing their greenery through the earth. 

Today I feel  fragile.

I feel fragile as confusion fills me when I listen to the news.  I feel fragile  as I send energy for the safety for all my grandchildren, of all children ( especially those who do not share my white skin or country of birth).

Today I feel excited.

I feel excited as I continue to listen to and learn from wise women.    I am excited that Mandy Carter is being recognized and celebrated this week, and that I got to learn from her!  

Today I feel surrounded.

I feel surrounded by change makers even in the midst of fragility, excitement,  anger, hope,  surprise, gratitude  and sorrow.

 I know I am surrounded when a ten year old sends me message  to catch me up on her basketball game.    I am surrounded when a five year old says I love you.   I am surrounded when a toddler infant lays their head on my shoulder. 

I am surrounded when I sign a petition, write a letter, hear your words of support and encouragement.  I am surrounded when you share stories of hope , when I experience care and random acts of kindness.

I am surrounded as I celebrate the life of my daughter born on this day so many days ago.  

The more things change the more they stay the same and change.

I am alive.

gkn Feb. 23 2018